Wednesday, February 16, 2011



Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Between Asleep and Awake

It had been one of those particularly hard days. One where nothing in particular went wrong, but Adam required more attention than normal, never entertaining himself and sleeping only while I was holding him. Ben was gone 14 hours that day. When he came home he stayed awake only long enough to give Adam a bottle and put him down and then off to bed for another early morning. I remained awake, willing the child in the next room to sleep while debating whether to go to bed myself or stay up for much needed alone time. While putting laundry away I heard the familiar little wimpers turning into bigger cries calling to me for comfort. I walked into our bedroom and leaned over the bassinet meeting the eyes of my son, who immediately calmed at the sight of me. I replaced the pacifier and began to rock the bassinet back and forth, humming and shushing the tiny one, my shoulders slumped and eyes ached from exhaustion. I realized with a start that this particular picture, me lovingly gazing into a crib while tending to my baby, was one I had longingly painted in my mind's eye in those moments between asleep and awake in the months and years before Adam arrived. Suddenly the emotion of the moment overwhelmed me and I felt a crushing weight bearing down on my chest. My eyes traced the perfect features of the heavy-lidded face before me and a happiness so great it was frightening consumed me, coursing through my limbs and squeezing my heart. Panic as much as joy filled me. A sense of foreboding assured me that a happiness this great must be fleeting, and I was left wondering if I will ever be able to escape the suffocating fear that this beautiful dream will end in a moment. Would I ever be able to divorce the exaltation of motherhood from the accompanying angst? Adam's eyes closed and his rhythmic breathing assured me he had drifted to sleep. I closed my own eyes in silent prayer, searching for answers to unanswerable questions, praying for wisdom, for strength, and for peace.

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Beginning

Our 1st night with Adam was filled with questions, second guessing, exhaustion, joy, and wonder. Is he hungry? Is he tired? Too warm? Too cold? Look he blinked! Look he sneezed! Here is a little snippet from 2:30 a.m. Adam was just 14 hours old.

Saturday, February 5, 2011


I've been overwhelmed thinking about catching up on the last 8 weeks on this blog, which results in no updates. So, we're just going to start from today and I'll catch up on the beginning a little at a time. I've loved looking at the world through Adam's eyes these past few weeks. Everything is new, everything is a first. This week included:

-Mom & Adam's first road trip together. We drove to Gatlinburg last Saturday and back on Sunday so I could spend time with my med school girls before graduation and residency scatter us from one ocean to the other (literally). The five hour drive took seven both ways, but it was worth it. Highlights include several outfit changes, Adam soaked in sweat from the drive no matter how high I had the air conditioning, several bottles, diaper changes in parking lots, one bottle and snuggle outside a Cracker Barrel, hours of sleeping, hours of crying...sometimes screaming, hours of white noise on AM radio.

-First laugh!!!!!!!!

-Packing up 0-3 month clothes at 7 weeks old. We are officially in 3-6 month clothes. It was surprising how difficult that was, I was not prepared.

-Did I mention, FIRST LAUGH!!!!!!!

I want to write about more things, like how wonderful motherhood is. And how difficult. And how it's harder than expected, but so much better than expected. I want to talk about how it's possible to feel despair and joy in the same moment. I can't find words that seem adequate, so while I search for them please stay tuned...