I'm His Girl

I am an expert at going without my husband. When we were first married we both worked long hours and didn't see each other that often. When we moved to Tennessee for medical school he was in class from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. and then often stayed at the school to study until midnight. The June after his first year of medical school he was in officer training for a month and I didn't see him at all for four weeks. And then we got to the third year. For the most part (except for surgery) the hours of his rotations have been pretty decent. Of course, two nights a week I'm not at home because I'm in class, but generally we are able to spend lots of time together. Lots of time. We don't need to schedule a date night anymore, we have a date life. We are really and truly best friends, two halves of the same whole. We operate in a wonderful little world of our own. When he's gone our home is empty and lifeless without him.

I guess that's why it was very difficult to drop him off at the airport on Saturday. He's only going to be gone for four days which should be a cakewalk for me. But, when I pulled away I got an incredibly empty feeling. I told myself to get a grip, for goodness sakes, he's working on scheduling rotations in San Antonio and Biloxi, he'll be gone for a couple of months in a row. Not to mention the fact that I'm a Air Force wife and will possibly have to deal with future deployments. This was nothing.

But I can't help it, I love that guy. I've always had a soft spot for men who adore me and think I walk on water (blame my father). I felt shame, I was not acting as a brave military wife should. I signed up for a lifetime to separation. If I couldn't even handle four days without sadness, how was I going to get through my future?

Warning: Climbing on my soapbox now....

I was then reminded of something that frustrated me when Ben was in officer training. Some people didn't seem all that concerned with how I was coping because they knew "I could handle it". Some seem to equate "handling it" with not feeling that badly over it at all. Let me assure you, that is not the case. I have other women tell me things like "oh, good for you, but I could never be apart from my husband like that." Do they somehow think their love for their husband is greater than what I feel for mine? Do they think it's easier for me? Its not. Its just as hard but I do it anyway. I know they think it seems impossible for them. It seems that way for me too. IMPOSSIBLE. In the future, I'll have to be stronger than I ever wanted to have to be, but I'll do it.

The next time you see a military spouse saying goodbye to their husband and wife, think about being in their shoes. Think about how it would feel to have an entire part of you severed and removed from your life, and then to have to carry on. I'll have it easier than most, as a physician Ben will not be on the front lines and the Air Force only has 6 month deployments. Those who have loved ones on the front lines for a year or more have my admiration. I know it isn't easy for them, I only know they do it because they have to.

So driving home I came to the conclusion that its okay to hurt when he leaves. Being brave doesn't mean being numb, it means going on even when you feel like your world is in disarray. So be it New Orleans, San Antonio, Afghanistan, or an Asian land war (as Ben likes to joke); 6 days or 6 months, I'll miss him just the same. I'll just remember how lucky I am to be able to love someone that much in the first place.

Hurry home Honey.