Not What I Expected

I have not done a good job of chronicling my pregnancy experience. I think one of the reasons I've been hesitant is because, well, much of it has not been pleasant. And I've always thought the very worst thing a woman can do is complain about being pregnant. Shouldn't I just be thankful to be pregnant at all and embrace all of the symptoms that come along with it? When people asked me how I was feeling, especially at the beginning, it was difficult to come up with an answer. First of all, I do not like to lie. I didn't want to paint some perfect picture of a blissful pregnancy when I could not move without throwing up. So, I worked to report the facts without appearing like I was complaining about them. "Well, I'm sick, but happy and grateful!" became my stock response. It was like I was scared if I didn't qualify my statement God would punish me for my ungratefulness and take the baby away. I knew if something happened I would wish I was throwing up all day again. Not to the mention the fact that after being told for the past five years by doctors I would most likely struggle with fertility issues, I became pregnant our first month trying. What right did a person like me have to complain about vomiting?

Then, I reread this post in the archives of Courtney Kendrick on her blog cjane enjoy it. For those of you not familiar with her, she is nienie's sister (you know nienie, right?) and began her blog when she had been struggling with infertility (she just had her second child :). When she finally became pregnant after five years of trying, she was very ill. This post exactly described how I feel, and made me feel better about myself that I feel less than great at times. I highly recommend you give it a read.

So, I'm going to be writing little posts about the first half of my pregnancy to make sure I remember everything I want to. Some will be icky, all will be happy, and all will be very edited down for public readership. You may not want to read them, because honestly you may not really care...not that I blame you. These entries will be mostly for me. I tried keeping a separate pregnancy journal, but the blog is the easiest place for me to keep track of my memories.

But, I want everyone to know that if I talk about sickness or fatigue or whatever, more than anything I agree with Courtney's statement when someone asked if she liked being pregnant:

"No, I don't like being pregnant." I finally answered her. And then, somehow I followed that up with,

"But I'll do it as many times as I can."